Good news everyone! I have gone through the list twice and been assured that I am not unkissable. You see, I manage to tick all the boxes. That’s right. I am certified kissable. My certificate shall arrive in the mail any day now.
Ah, but where is this list, I hear absolutely no one ask. Lucky for you, I am here to save the day, yet again. I must admit, being everyone’s hero is getting tiring. I might need to focus on only being one persons knight in shining armour. But she informs me that one can not be hugged while in armour, so I’ll have to make my horse really shiny with lots of polish and wear shiny pants! Oh, now we are living in the future. Shiny pants!
So back to the mythical list to make sure you are kissable. Because that’s what you are really hanging out for. And not my witty repertoire. Pity. I have an amazing sense of humour. Well clearly, considering I am my own second biggest fan. I suppose I should be waiting for my certified funny certificate too… It must have gotten lost in the mail, I’m sure.
So point #1 – be patient. Not everyone likes to rush into things. Like caves, the ocean or the next cup of tea. These things need to be approached as you would a chocolate bear. Slowly, carefully. Sometimes you get the feeling its the right moment and you should. No! Stop. See, its just you that feels like that. And its awkward to have to explain that you got a burnt mouth because you couldn’t wait for the tea to cool down. Its exactly the sane. Good analogy Kyle.
Which brings us to point #2 – gentleness. Often the object you desire to kiss, like a cat or a car, are fragile things. And it goes with out saying your lady friend too. Fragile. Oh so fragile. For her mind might be to encumbered with your patience that to kiss her then would explode it. And that’s not a good look. Visiting the mental hospital every Saturday is so unbecoming of todays modern gentleman. And the name is even gentleman. You are to be gentle. How you define this, is of course up to you. I am no Doctor of Love ™, so do not ask me to expand on this. That’s your job.
And behind door #3? Its another point! I know, I know, 2 points make you an expert, more make you pretentious. But hear me out. There is sometimes method to my madness. Other times, there isn’t. You learn to cope. So behind point #3 you have wealth. No! Stop! Calm down. Do not order that Ferrari. Cancel your bid to buy the Royal Family. And stop thinking of names for your island. We are talking about the wealth of character. Are you a good person? Actually, don’t answer that. Go outside and ask someone. They will be able to tell you. You have to be a good guy. Or girl. Or mattress. What ever you choose to be, you have to be a good one. One of upstanding character. In this instance, you should be hard but not too hard. Soft, but not too soft. Queen sized at a minimum and with matching pillow cases to your duvet cover.
And I’ll take point #4 for one internet Jerry. What, another point? Do you want my head to explode? Yes, another point. Suck it up, this is for your own good. Get it? Got it? Good. Point hash four is be liked. Yes, its the trickiest. But its no use not being liked or you shall remain ever unkissable. How do you become liked? I honestly do not have the slightest sausage. I think it goes with being funny, caring and kind. Its like unlocking a secret ability on your character.
And apparently there is a bonus point. And I shall get this out the way before I am lynched. Point # bonus level – be in movies. I am on YouTube. I hope this counts.
Follow these steps my friend, and soon you shall be like me. Completely, and undeniably, kissable.