Dreams. Hopes. Aspirations. Goals. Yes, dear reader, we are there again. Due to the current state of mind, I don’t believe this to be a happy post, so here is your out.
Seeing as you made it on to paragraph two, I will assume you want to read further. Any action is your own, and I am not to blame.
In life, we have a certain expectation that all hopes and dreams will fit together like puzzle pieces, where the correct or next piece comes along at the right time and thus allows you to focus on where it goes and what to do with it. We all expect this. We base our lives on it. It allows us to measure progress, and see how far we have come in X amount of time. The problem that has arisen lately for this esteemed writer (hey! One can dream) is that some of my most important dreams have all been placed on the table at the same time. I have more than one puzzle emptied onto my table and now need to decide which one to attempt first, and will attempting one cause me to “lose” the pieces of the other puzzles. Remember, these puzzles do not come with the handy picture on the front to show you what the end looks like.
So what does one do when all the doors are open? What option is the one that is right for this moment in time? Its all very confusing, and being me, I have just left the pile of puzzle pieces on the table and gone off for tea. Yes, I realise this is not the best way to deal with it, but living in a new country, having close friends millions of miles away, certainly doesn’t help. There is simply no one I can talk to about these pieces. And there in lies my greatest challenge at the moment. I have always been one man against the world as it were, always reliant on myself, and to have that fail or come into question has shaken me more than I thought possible. Hence my state of mind.
These next steps are pivotal in shaping my future, which is why you can understand my hesitation. And if you had kept up and read my previous posts, you’ll understand my concerns (some would say obsessions) with the future. It all boils down to me wanting a life worth living. For example, today I was in a greenhouse/atrium dedicated to a man who lived and died within 50km. To me, that is one of my fears. One must adventure. We have but one life, and to spend a single moment unhappy – well to me that is hell.
So here I sit and mull over my puzzle pieces. Which one do I start? Can I start more than one? Can I build them all? I simply do not know. And what’s worse, I simply can not talk to anyone about them.
But on a positive note, me being me does have its advantages. I will overcome this. I will build these puzzles. They are in front of me and the only way is forward. They may not turn out how they should, but I would have done the best with the pieces at hand. And at the end, its all we can hope for.
Everything will be alright in the end and its not the end yet, because everything is not all right.
As an added note: There is a lot more I can full up this page with about this situation and my thoughts on it. I have chosen not to for reasons I shall keep to myself.