During the course of my myriad writings, this is the one topic on which I am plagued and blessed countless times. I have waxed eternal on this thought of meaning, and needing to be an individual while also possessing worth and drive.  This constant need for “more” has been with me for a while now.
I can remember when it started. My best friend announced he was getting married. Good for him. It is not the life I am to chose, so I do not pass judgement. I went to the wedding, and got to see him again and all was well. No, it was not. Suddenly, my entire existence had come into question by no one other than my reflection. Suddenly I had this desire for this mythical “more”. I have no idea what it is, and why I crave it so, all I know is that it was to become my driving force. And to this day, this idea, this belief of more, is why I am in the position I am. It is why I am on the other side of the planet. drinking tea and freezing my little South African butt off. It is why I have the plans I have, the dreams I have. It is essentially me. And yet, the greatest fallacy is that it does not exist. This idea of more is nothing but empty dreams and failed goals. Back to my topic.
Since moving to New Zealand, my general motivation has been slowly sucked out from under my feet. I can’t blame this on anyone, but external factors do play a massive part on desire and drive. So far, the most overwhelming response I have heard from everyone here has been a simple “no”. To me, this is alien. I am a “yes” person. Can it be done? Yes. Can I live on the moon and have a pet goldfish named Larry? Yes! I hope you get this point, because I am not going to reiterate it. The people here accept their environment and don’t do anything to better or change it. What was will always be seems to be the motto. To step out side the comfort zone simply does not happen here. And I think that is why this feeling of lost has been creeping up on me. I suddenly find myself with out drive, passion or general caring. This attitude seeps down into all things and I end up not accomplishing much with all the time I have. And there is the “more” again – why must I accomplish anything and why do I feel like a failure when I don’t?
So here I sit. Typing to the world at large. Wondering what is the point of it all. Wondering where I fit in. I can not base myself on other people, having tried that countless times and always ending up at this point. I end up wondering if this is it. If this is all life is. I refuse, point blank, to accept that life is three tiers and only that. But on the other hand, there is no other tier I can see. Am I living as best I can? I don’t believe I am. Am I doing all I want to? Nope. – I can tell you that straight. Simply put, I am battling to find meaning in my life. This is not something a fairy can grant you with, it is something that has to spring from with in. The point of ones life is to have a point, and dear reader, I have none. This has frustrated me no end. I simply can not fathom my reason for existing. I am constantly aware of how quickly my life has been passing me by, and expect this to have some drive on my actions, and yet…
So the questions remain. What am I doing here and why? I am the type of person who does not accept that which I do not like, and yet this is something I am unable to change. I feel I am starting to go in circles which means it must be time to end this conversation.
As a person, I am wondering where I fit in. As a man, I am wondering what to do. As an adventurer, I am wondering what’s next. And as Kyle, I am wondering why I don’t have any answers.

Categories: Blog

1 Comment

Evan Russell · July 15, 2012 at 10:58 am

So people do not exist for themselves but they exist for others . . .

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